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the hole in me is greater than the sum of its parts

by faradayribcage

/
1.
(vocal line 1) the hole in me is greater than the sum of its parts every cut every bite every break every contusion my soul is marbled with bruises these things are never linear the marks only fade on the skin[surface] the dotted lines of serration leave visual guides for easy degloving you followed them perfectly you only wanted the skin at the end of the day (vocal line 2) at some point i started to pride myself on my pain tolerance my masochism is a symptom you never gave me the choice to listen to my body so i learned to ignore it . no i don’t know what i want just keep feeling me up until i dissociate enough to stop recoiling at your touch and then eventually it’ll start feeling good and i can use that to convince myself i’m okay with this the worst thing you could have done is ask because then i would have to confront the possibility that i’m not okay with what is happening and this turns from a mid hookup to something more traumatic and this is supposed to be the high point in the cycle anyways (vocal line 3) the strings have been cut for a long time but my muscles remember exactly they were pulled marionette phantom limb instincts i am a haunted puppet controlled by the ghosts of those who have hurt me line 4(same audio track as line 3) nothing has killed me so far and it would be so much easier if any of it did countless attacks worth of panic lay dormant beneath my skin the crash knocked out the radar battered by the winds
2.
BREAK THE MIRROR WITH YOUR HEAD PUT THE SHARDS IN A DOG BOWL DID YOU WANT A DIFFERENT LAST MEAL? DID YOU WANT A DIFFERENT LAST MEAL? STAY DOWN.. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THIS IS? OPEN UP. SWALLOW THE SHARDS. LOCKED UP. THIS CONTAINER'S NOT SHIPPING ANYWHERE. LESS FUN, ON THE OTHER SIDE. IT'S TIME. STAY DOWN.. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THIS IS? OPEN UP. SWALLOW THE SHARDS. OPEN UP OPEN UP OPEN UP OPEN UP this is the day we get free STAY DOWN.. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THIS IS? OPEN UP. SWALLOW THE SHARDS.
3.
CONTUSION 02:42
4.
pushed 03:17
5.
6.
reset 03:24
7.
ashtray 02:46
strip me of my copper so that my veins are empty enough for the formaldehyde choking on linoleum it seals my skin unevenly alive but entombed KEPT WARM BY THE CHEMICAL BURNS MY SKIN’S AN ASHTRAY MY BODY IS AN URN KEPT WARM BY THE CHEMICAL BURNS MY SKIN’S AN ASHTRAY MY BODY IS AN URN
8.
the wool over my eyes keeps itching i can't unsee what you're capable of i feel like the last witness everyone else has only seen the front i fucking hate this i fucking hate this i fucking hate this i fucking hate this too many layers for a clean reconciliation too many angles and all of you have too many faces i hope you know that it fucking hurts me to say this processes of this kind are never painless its all fucked up now I DONT TRUST ANYMORE I DONT TRUST ANYMORE I DONT TRUST ANYMORE I DONT TRUST ANYMORE THERE WAS A TIME WHEN I GENUINELY LOOKED UP TO YOU THERE WAS A TIME WHEN I TOOK YOUR WORD YOU WEREN'T THE ONLY SNAKE THAT HOUSE HAD AN INFESTATION BUT PLAYING DUMB ONLY WORKS WHEN YOU HAVE THE DISTANCE YOUR PARANOIA MAKES SENSE WHEN YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO HIDE YOUR PARANOIA MAKES SENSE KNOWING WHAT YOU DID EVERY NIGHT [UNINTELLIGBLE PART] CHOKING ON THE BLOOD FROM BITING MY TONGUE
9.
dontgothere 02:35
10.
I DONT KNOW WHERE I AM I DONT KNOW WHERE TO GO NONE OF THE MAPS LINE UP NAVIGATION SYSTEMS BROKE BATTERED BY THE WINDS MEMORIES SAMPLE AND HOLD RANDOM ACCESS BUT THE PANIC NEVER LEAVES MY BONES I WISH I WENT THROUGH SOMETHING EASIER TO TALK ABOUT ITS ALL TOO MUCH AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO THIS ALONE I WISH IT NEVER HAPPENED. I WISH IT NEVER HAPPENED . I WISH IT NEVER HAPPENED WHAT THE FUCK ELSE IS THERE TO SAY 12 FUCKING HOURS12 FUCKING HOURS12 FUCKING HOURS AND I CANT REMEMBER HALF OF THEM 12 FUCKING HOURS12 FUCKING HOURS12 FUCKING HOURS AND I CANT REMEMBER HALF OF THEM I DONT KNOW WHERE I AM I DONT KNOW WHERE TO GO NONE OF THE MAPS LINE UP TRYING MY BEST NOT TO CHOKE ON THE PAIN AND THE FEAR AND THE GUILT IT WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER IF I JUST GOT KILLED INCOMPREHENSIBLE PART // ME CRYING
11.
still here not dead it weighs heavy but its not enough to kill me yet the path winds and folds it never ends i hope you make it to sunrise i hope i see you again i hope you make it to sunrise i hope i see you again i hope you see the seasons change and know this isnt the end we havent said goodbye for the last time yet i promise i love you listen to me you were this tiny seed, buried in darkness fighting your way to the light you wanted to live it was the most beautiful thing in the world do you still have that in you? i look at you now chasing down death at every corner sweetheart where is that gorgeous piece of you pushing to be a part of this world? and i cant tell you where to go from here because i'm here, and i dont know but this is not the end there is no end but the scenery changes and your legs get stronger i thought this would end with a scream, or a death but my body hurts, and i'm tired of the fear and the pain and i want to stop running

about

in february i went thru a horrific traumatic event and have been working on this since. extratone power electronics dark ambient sample noise in a non linear greyscale hell dream. i hope you make it to sunrise . i hope i see you again.

credits

released October 11, 2023

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faradayribcage New York, New York

nj raised bk based death industrial/powernoise/cyberviolence


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